TGIF

A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had heldback the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly.In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about hisslow-driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play agame. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit [60 MPH] you drive,I'll remove one piece of clothing.

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.

* He reached the 65 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.

* At 70 off came the pants.*

At 75 it was her bra...and*

At 80 her panties. Now seeing her naked for the first time...and traveling faster than he everhad before...he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veeredoff the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree!

His girlfriend was not hurt, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him fr eebut alas he was stuck. "Go to the road and get help," he said.

"I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man feltaround, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truckdriver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hearher story.

"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull himout!"

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am,if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"

Priestly parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a
problem.
I have two female parrots that say bad things.

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You
know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male
talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your
two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis
and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your
parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution.
"The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he
ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage
holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her
parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're
hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the
other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers
have been answered!"

THE SPOON AND THE STRING

THE SPOON AND THE STRING

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an
organization. Last week, we took some friends out to a new
restaurant,
and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in
his
shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our
water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt
pocket.
Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their
pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well, "he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen
Consulting
to revamp all our processes. After several months of
analysis, hey concluded that the spoon was the most frequently
dropped
utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per
table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce
the
number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace
it
with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen
instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of
the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had
the
same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked
the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string
right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so
observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can
save time in the restroom by tying this string to the tip of you know
what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to
wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39
percent.

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the
spoon."

MARATHON

MARATHON
___________________

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet
and windy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she
heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God -- hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover,
"and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the
sheets, "it's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.
"He's got a very quick temper and a ver y large gun; the rain is the least
of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the
window. As he begins running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly
discovers he has run right into ! the middle of the town's annual marathon,
so he starts running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Despite being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tries to
blend in as best he can.

After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him
with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replies, gasping for air.

"It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved alongside.
"Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?"

Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly.
"That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get
in my car and go home!"

The third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried,
"Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

"Nope.......just when it's raining!"

Why ARE Men Happier?

Why ARE Men Happier? - or if they aren't... why they should be!

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car Mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station
restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the
time.
Phone conservations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all of your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides you big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
minutes.

Numbers

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

Downsized Husband

Downsized Husband

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked
for $20, for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state,
her
husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love,
for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to
afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in
a
very drunken state. Over the next few minutes, he explained that his company
had gone through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It
was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another position
that
paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were
financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of
deposits
and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then, she showed him stock
certificates issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and
informed
him that they were the largest stockholders in the bank. She explained that
for
30 years, she had charged him for sex and these holdings were the results of
her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her
husband
was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and
blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given
you
all my business !"

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.....